January disappeared, February disappeared, I should blog correctly to keep a timeline like I wanted and have a more tangible look back on things later... but I'ma be autistic instead and make a list of thoughts on the Godzilla franchise as I blow through the films.

( Godzilla thoughts )

Today I work 12pm-8pm because of a bank holiday which lets kids get out of school and be driven to family entertainment centers by their upper middle class parents who then sit at my bar drinking $10 mini bottles of Chardonnay and IPAs they don't know anything about.

But then I'm coming home and making vegetarian katsu curry. ✨

January was actually a nice month. At the end of it I got to go to my first WWE event with friends and stay in an amazing airbnb. My boy won. This may not have been a good thing, idk. I bought an Asuka shirt and a CM Punk shirt to add to my Bray Wyatt one (RIP). Oh, but then I got the flu and it kicked my ass worse than either bout of covid I had, so that was annoying. 102.8° fever, and I slept for three days.

Later this month I'm going to be looking at potentially large life changes and I don't know how I feel about it. Optimistic, but cautious. I have anxiety and deep issues with change and the unknown. But I know I'm with people who are safe, and I don't have to live a life I don't want. Things will be okay regardless.

My original goal was like, at least a brief paragraph per day. I like the aesthetics of journaling irl, but I have multiple journals that are only half finished. I intend to turn one of them into a crow journal project come January (with some content from this year anyway, because I do what I want), but in the meantime: blogging! I can do blogging. I'm the bloggiest thing you ever saw. But damn? Shit has been busy. I'm trying not to stress. I do the adult things. I got the job, I make the money, I drive the car, I pay the bills, I take responsibility and ownership of the things, I stop doing the fun things to do the important thing, but ugh. When do I get a break? It's difficult. I don't have full on executive dysfunction, I think... or maybe I was just put through so many shitty life situations that my brain overrides it the same way it switches into mom friend mode. Is this all under the umbrella of masking? Hmm.

My main beef is when I have free time it's like... ok, but do you? Did you do the other things that need to be done? There's always something to be done. Adulthood is just the curse of Sisyphus? There will never be enough money unless you're born to it, but even then. There will always be dishes, there will always be laundry, there will always be cat litter and car repairs and house repairs and I am very drained. Then when I have actual free time, I get to spin the wheel of choice. You wanna read that book, right? But what about that anime you wanted to watch with [person]? The jrpg you've been stuck at 90% story completion for six months? What about that craft project you wanted to work on? Did you wanna run dailies in your mmo today? Decision paralysis is my silent killer, and then I lay in bed overwhelmed with the stuff I want to do for fun, and the people I wanna hang out with, through no fault of theirs. I just don't know how to manage my time and also function in this capitalism hell.

I feel like this is further symptomatic of having no control over my life and so I try to make sure everything is lined up in a way that nothing occurs to disturb me, and then I have no time to do things. Ha haaaa.

On the upside, my boss doesn't care if I listen to podcasts at work. I like turning my brain off and making pizzas on autopilot.

The lesson from today is that if it's a physical store, it's for physical purchases. At least for phones or other electronics. Customer service is not what you will receive here. But look at me adulting, with my phone line in my name, and my government health insurance all up to date. Woo.

I think this is kinda why I stopped blogging originally? Other than communicating entirely in chatrooms and such, then you start just posting whatever in your character-limited social media, so you stop really thinking about what you want to post. And I don't want to complain. I'm happy I got these things done after putting them off. I called out of work for my mental health and as like, I guess partly neurodivergent put-it-off tax to myself. But we went to my favorite Korean market after errands were done, and tonight I get to eat spicy tteokbokki with spam and mushrooms and keep watching Reply 1988. I live in a house with my partner of of over eight years, we're healthy enough, and warm except for my circulation turning off when it gets bored. Our cats (indoor and outdoor strays) are well fed. I get overwhelmed easily, but I have a decently understanding job that pays me more than the required minimum wage. They let me step down from a higher position when it became too overwhelming for me. My bills are paid. My family situation is... soft stress. I need to start letting other people help me more, if anything, and I need to edge out of trying to control how things go in order to avoid future stress. Let yourself be stressed out later. Who cares.

I think I'll be less dramatic in later posts. ...maybe.

I did slam my hand in the car door today though. That sucked.

I no longer employ social media. I just want to shout into the void from now on.