I like this icon because I imagine my skull is filled with pumpkin guts

[blindfolds]

My original goal was like, at least a brief paragraph per day. I like the aesthetics of journaling irl, but I have multiple journals that are only half finished. I intend to turn one of them into a crow journal project come January (with some content from this year anyway, because I do what I want), but in the meantime: blogging! I can do blogging. I'm the bloggiest thing you ever saw. But damn? Shit has been busy. I'm trying not to stress. I do the adult things. I got the job, I make the money, I drive the car, I pay the bills, I take responsibility and ownership of the things, I stop doing the fun things to do the important thing, but ugh. When do I get a break? It's difficult. I don't have full on executive dysfunction, I think... or maybe I was just put through so many shitty life situations that my brain overrides it the same way it switches into mom friend mode. Is this all under the umbrella of masking? Hmm.

My main beef is when I have free time it's like... ok, but do you? Did you do the other things that need to be done? There's always something to be done. Adulthood is just the curse of Sisyphus? There will never be enough money unless you're born to it, but even then. There will always be dishes, there will always be laundry, there will always be cat litter and car repairs and house repairs and I am very drained. Then when I have actual free time, I get to spin the wheel of choice. You wanna read that book, right? But what about that anime you wanted to watch with [person]? The jrpg you've been stuck at 90% story completion for six months? What about that craft project you wanted to work on? Did you wanna run dailies in your mmo today? Decision paralysis is my silent killer, and then I lay in bed overwhelmed with the stuff I want to do for fun, and the people I wanna hang out with, through no fault of theirs. I just don't know how to manage my time and also function in this capitalism hell.

I feel like this is further symptomatic of having no control over my life and so I try to make sure everything is lined up in a way that nothing occurs to disturb me, and then I have no time to do things. Ha haaaa.

On the upside, my boss doesn't care if I listen to podcasts at work. I like turning my brain off and making pizzas on autopilot.

Comments

[kittens]

My opinion (that you didn't ask for), is that you were never allowed to have uninterrupted free time to yourself growing up; so, as an adult, you are torn between trying to figure out /what that even means/ versus wanting to experience the social life you were robbed of, but also balancing adult things that you were never taught, and topping it off with mental health struggles that come with a variety of explanations for your dilemma.

It is always my hope that whatever you doing during your free time is something you want to do, either planned or in that moment. However, I think we both need to learn how to do those very things.

[blindfolds]

:angy:

you're definitely right but also I think the last part has a lot to do with it. I need to learn how to do things I want and balance the things I Need to do with the things I Want to do in a way that doesn't breed resentment if I don't get to do them, or if I do things other people wanna do instead